In 14 days time, Somerset house will be stormed by some of the biggest names in British Fashion. In 14 Days time I will however probably be having a hissy fit with 6 suitcases on the platforms of Exeter St Davids Station. For us 5ft 8 mere mortals, Fashion week is something we bitch about on twitter, use as gymspiration and cry about alot when we realised we have traded in an evening of Clicquot and Christopher Bailey for a polystyrene tray of cheesy chips and a barefoot walk of shame up Pennsylvania Road. But for those brave enough to flake on freshers, Here’s a handful of tips on how to survive feeding time in ‘The Rare Breeds of Bitches’ enclosure.
1.STEP IT UP
Flats are for quitters. Even though the models may have legs longer then your daily commute, do not assume that you will be able to catch a glimpse of Wixson’s glossy ponytail from your humble seat in row 27. Smash on a pair of vertigous black something or others or risk spending every show conducting an inqury into row 26’s highlight tones of choice. Those nude french sole pumps may be advantageous on your conquest across London Public transport, but be prepared to be recieved with the same patronising smizes as the girl who brings Merlot to a squat party.
2. FIRE YOUR COLOURIST
Nothing says ‘tragic Now magazine intern’ like your classic mouse to brass dip-dye. Who would you rather be: Arizona Muse or Caroline flack? If your hair colour looks like you could model for L’Oreal casting creme gloss, stay in bed. DISCLAIMER: Hi-lites are only socialy acceptable on Blake Lively or Victoria’s Secret Angels.
3. STOP TRYING TO GET LAID
The only person who gets laid at LFW is Terry Richardson. Unless you are the next Josh Beech no one is going to look at you twice. That stylist assistant at Boudicca is not going to give you two weeks work experience if you offer him a blow job. Grow up.
4. BACK AWAY FROM THE BLACKBERRY
This year it is simple- Ipad or bust. There is nothing more pleasing for the girl slaving at the door then informing you that the tapping of your acrylics on those teeny tiny keys are ruining the acoustics of the blaring Hanna Hanra set list. If you spent your student loan on tesco value carbs and lambrini, perhaps settle for a shoplifted symthson Ipad case, safe in the knowledge that from your seat, everyone will be craning their necks so much they will not notice its empty.
5. HUNGER GAMES
According to the Dukan Diet, by eating protien alone you can loose 2 pounds a day. That’s 2 stone between now and fashion week. Good luck with that. But remember when you are there, however charmingly Alexa Chung may be scoffing down the bijou 4 bird roasts Heston russled up, No one actually eats that stuff. Why else did they invent the over-sized Birkin except to hide minature calorific hors d’oevres in?
WORDS BY AGGIE ROMERIL