KILLING TIME

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Fashion week is nearly upon us. Having tired of the yanks and an unbearable amount of Karlie Kloss, a parade of prada-clad bright young things will soon be touching down at Heathrow for a week in the big smoke. But for us heading west for winter, we are too about to experience a week of outrageous outfits and rather less memorable moments- Freshers week. Over at Exeter Fashion HQ, we have been pining to return to our debauched Pennsylvania abodes and longing to shout ‘NO PARENTS’ at anything with a pulse. So if like us you are finding the thought of waiting another 52 hours comparable with Japanese water torture, here are a few of my favourite ways to waste valuable preparatory reading time.

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1. DID SOMEONE SAY IKEA?

Therapists across the united wastes of Americ refer to the process of ‘nesting’ as fundamental to the psychological development of a mother as she awaits the arrival of her spawn. So whether you are planning to get laid or simply preparing to be fertilised with knowledge, the decking of your university halls is an important ritual. This swedish furnature giant is a goldmine for wasting your parents hard earned dollar on scented candles and hessian storage boxes. What a great way to use that rhetoric you honed in your personal statement to persuade mummy that you really do need a 6ft Klimt print/ a pack of 420 novelty straws/ a mirror for your ceiling. They sell cheap grub, you can mix all your fizzy drinks in one glass and you can recreate your favourite scenes from 500 days of summer. Or if stealing minature HB pencils is still to materialistic for you, why not record yourself reading the entire catalogue and try to flog it as a prequel to the girl with the dragon tattoo?

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2. KARLEY AND ME

For those unfamiliar with slutever.com, Karley Sciortino is a New York gal about town who blogs about her twenty-something spring awakenings. Currently starring in a series of mocumentaries on Vice.com, Karley ponders over the hard hitting issues we face as 21st cenutry females: how to ask if you can spank your boyfriend, how to stop fucking DJs. She even gets to meet Sophia lamar who tells her her IUD is fabulous. Do not be alarmed if in your quest for 2012’s Carrie Bradshaw replacement you stumble upon a bit of softcore, this girl is going places Carrie would be too busy crying about her closet to ever have concieved.

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3. THE SEPTEMBER ISSUE

Done nothing with your summer? No stories of peruvian orphanage building or screwing your boss at pricewaterhouse coopers? Do not fear, nothing spells out ‘life-changing 6 weeks’ like a drastic image overhaul. Why do you think the september issues are so big? its because they are full of secrets as to how you can make yourself look so radically altered that no one will care about your flatmate’s retreat to the Himalayan foothills. Cut your hair off. Tattoo someones name on your arse. Start using twitter to hone your profile as a satiric haiku artist. Who cares?

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4.THERE’S AN APP FOR THAT?

If you need something more than Example getting lairy on your twitter feed to spice up your commute, its a bout time we all manned up and downloaded style.com. The app streams bijou clips of every show at every fashion week, interviews every designer etc etc. It’s perfect for pretending your finger is on the pulse when you just cannot justify spending £4.20 on a magazine. Another app of note this week include the newly revamped Zara Online, perfect for perving on Freja/Cara on the go. I shouldn’t have to tell you but you can also download the wordpress app and read us, or The Zemblan or Wondering why you’re not naked or whatever the hell you fancy, be it on the bog or during a dull session of doggie style.

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5. BE PREPARED

If all of the above have failed to quench your thirst for the young blood being served up next Saturday, why not prepare a plan of action to ensure an effective onslaught. As invites to housewarmings various begin to creep into your inbox, remember to purchase tickets for the sub-par club nights that estate petrol will lead them to. Obviously you have been musing over your ‘fash trash’ social get-up for weeks, but take note tuesday night is not a night to mess with. Launched last year by a couple of jokers craving a bi-weekly alternative to naked renditions of Baywatch on a podium, Thick as Thieves host acclaimed DJs at their cavernous quayside venue, Cellar Door. Expect girls sweating, filthy beats and queues longer than the job center.

WORDS BY AGGIE ROMERIL

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